Al Roker is the new Grimace:



The resemblance is uncanny!

Living on the Edge

I have $0.96 in my checking account.

There is this episode of the Cosby Show that always stands out really vividly in my mind - Cliff eats a sandwich right before bed, even after Claire warns him, thus resulting in a dream involving Muppets.

"Cliff's late-night eating habits finally bite back, with a vengeance! His nightmare is filled with such Muppet characters as overstuffed talking sandwiches, back-talking refrigerator denizens and a bloodthirsty mob of creatures in the operating theater of Cliff's hospital. It seems that Cliff is scheduled to perform a delicate operation for their viewing pleasure, but he somehow winds up on the table as the patient, before waking up safe and sound in his own bed."

The Disagreeable Sandwich Muppet:



I bring this up after having a chocolate milkshake and veggie burger with avocado and cheese approximately 15 minutes before going to bed. Blarg!

I did it, I got the Charlie Brown tattoo. On Thursday evening after work, I called a shop in West Hollywood that had good reviews on Yelp and was open late, I picked Chris up so I could hold a hand, and just went. Yes, it did hurt a bit, but no, it wasn't enough to make me cry or scream in pain. Just wince a bit here and there. I picked the good, fatty part of my arm to do it on. I wanted to surprise my parents when I was down there for Comic Con but the temptation to torture them with this news was just too damn good to resist. They reacted exactly the same when I told them individually (Ohhhh, Raaaaachel, ok, but that's it! No more!) and when they saw the pictures (it's...BIG!) My brother still hides that he smokes cigarettes by showering multiple times a day when he's home for the week.

And the picture!



I couldn't be happier, I really love it and expect to not regret it for a good 15 years.

My 4th of July was surprisingly nice - I went to a co-worker's house party, so I didn't know anyone except for her and her husband, but there was tons of booze and food, two Great Danes named George and Cleopatra, a huge desert turtle named Izzy, a fireworks view from standing on the roof (and trying not to fall and die), and 15 Jewish grad students who have brighter futures than myself.

I saw Wall-E for the second time, and it affected me just as much, if not more, than the first time. The love story gets to me even more than the post-apocalyptic view of earth. The scene where Wall-E and Eve are dancing in space is so gorgeous, like those times in life when you are absolutely, perfectly happy doing such a small thing with just one special person. I really want to get a stuffed Wall-E to sleep with at night and speak in his voice to annoy people.

Last night, at Marlene/Kevin/Noah's place, Kevin asked me "Why Charlie Brown? You explain it to me and I'll see if it matches my theory." After explaining it to him, he replied "Yeah, that's exactly what I said." The evening included me spitting up Diet Coke through my nose and all over my car after Alex made an AIDS joke, me spilling strawberry margaritas all over my dress and floor, and Noah announcing I hadn't flushed the toilet to everyone. Charlie Brown hopes and Charlie Brown failures, indeed.

It's been over a year since I last updated and so little has changed, it makes me wanna puke on a toy poodle. I still work at TG, I still live in the same tiny room with a tiny bed, I still have a tiny hamster named Mary, and I still have approximately 5 friends and no boyfriend. Which is not to say all hope is lost! Wait, yes, yes all hope is lost.

A roundup of latest revelations!

- I woke up at about 4 am this morning and had an intense craving for cocktail sauce. Ya know, the red stuff for shrimp dippin'. I wonder what another delicious use for cocktail sauce would be so I can buy a bottle of it without remorse.

- I've been thinking a lot about getting a tattoo. The grumpy face of classic Charlie Brown is thus far winning the pack! Like Charlie, every time I get hopeful and determined, that slutcunt Sally (metaphor for life, you see) pulls back the football and I land on my chubby ass.

Here is the very first Charlie Brown strip, and it is the saddest thing ever:


- There is a British and Canadian show called How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? (really rolls off your tongue there, HDYSAPLM) in which musical theater hopefuls vie for the roll of Maria Von Trapp in the Sound of Music. How come America gets Elle Woods hopefuls in Legally Blond the Musical on MTV and other countries who respect Julie Andrews as much as I do? By respect, I mean ultimate girl crush. Julie Andrews, you are a peach.

Tonight is the final of A Shot at Love 2 with Tila Tequila. Since I liked Brittany best and she got eliminated, I'm so over it, ya know what I'm sayin'?

I have a lot to say. A year of pent-up blabbering to an online Dear Diary. Oh boy!

MOB BOSS

I just thought in my head, "what if there was a parody of Bob Ross called MOB BOSS!" The fact that this came to me when I wasn't drunk or stoned is far more amazing than the actual bad pun-iness of this sketch idea. Because it's a terrible idea. But it kinda makes me giggle. Am I laughing at me or with me? I can't tell!

LIVEBLOGGING THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA!

10:25 - You people look 35.
11:31 - "To jobs that pay the rent!" You make me wanna puke.
17:50 - "Do you have some sort of hideous skirt convention to go to?" Burn!
19:11 - I really don't understand why they hired this girl if she didn't know anything about fashion. This is a severe logic flaw in the plot.
23:21 - This speech about how cerulean trickled down from the runway to department stores to the mall is supposed to show Andy how fashion affects her too, even if she thinks she is too good for it. This decision cost millions of dollars and many jobs and this makes it important. This sense of self-importance reminds me of the film industry. It may be true but it doesn't make it right.
27:34 - How is she behind on her rent? Even with a low-level job at a highend fashion magazine she should be able to afford this nice, big one bedroom she shares with her dumbo boyfriend. Advice: move out of New York, you dumb cunt. Plus, if she does get paid so badly, then how can you insult her clothes? Yours clearly cost a lot of money. Arg!
31:06 - Oh, she hired her because of her inspiring speech about her work ethic. I didn't feel inspired by it. I feel like taking another nap.
33:03 - Stanley Tucci is giving a speech about how lucky she is and how important fashion is. I'm bored.

I quit. I hate this movie.

Paul Dano is the new Bud Cort.

Outside the grocery store

Dude (points to scar on my leg): Is that a hickie?
Me: No, I fell down and scraped my leg.
Dude: Who helped you up?
Me: My boyfriend. (imaginary, duh)
Dude: Can I call you sometime?
Me: I don't think my boyfriend would like that. (imaginary, duh)
Dude: It's because I'm too dark, isn't it?
Me: No.
Dude: Does he suck on your toes?
Me: No.
Dude: Man, then you ain't got nothing.

Suckville Ho Hum, USA

I still can't figure out if he just didn't want a girlfriend OR didn't want me for a girlfriend. Probably a little bit of both. This makes me sad.

I love how shindigs with a certain group of people (namely, Nick as ringmaster) are guaranteed to have a setups of both Guitar Hero and Nintendo Wii. However, these become even better when you are in a multi-million dollar mansion in Topanga Canyon where porns have been shot. Now if only I could get a drunken board game night organized, then I'd be in business. Soon. Must steal Barry Lander's Pop Culture edition Trivial Pursuit.

I'm tired and poor and hate all men within the greater Los Angeles reason, but content.

Where Da Party At?

I made this little playlist to listen to while I was getting ready to go out. There is no rhyme or reason to it. It's songs I looked at in itunes and said to myself "hey, I wanna listen to these while I am getting ready to go out! Neat!" Hell, they are even in the great mix faux pas of alphabetical order! Oh my stars!

Some of these are really embarassing.

ABBA - Does Your Mother Know?
Alan Menken (Newsies OST) - Carrying the Banner
The Angels - My Boyfriend's Back
Backstreet Boys - Everybody (Backstreet's Back!)
Britney Spears - Toxic
Cobra Killer & Kapajkos - Helicopter 666
The Coup - Laugh, Love, Fuck
Dee-Lite - Groove is in the Heart
Dolly Parton - Jolene
ESG - You Make No Sense
Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way
Gordon Lightfood - If You Could Read My Mind
Gwen Stefani - Wind Up
Harry and the Potters - Felix Felicis
Harry Nillson - Coconut
Harry Potter Band (Wyrd Systers?) - Do the Hippogriff
Journey - Seperate Ways (Worlds Apart)
Justin - Sexyback
Kelis - Bossy
Lady Sov - Random
M.I.A. - URAQT
Princess Superstar - Bad Babysitter
Rihanna - SOS
Rod Stewart - Do You Think I'm Sexy?
Sly and the Family Stone - Everyday People
The Supremes - I Hear a Symphony
Talking Heads - Road to Nowhere
Venga Boys - Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!

Apartment Banter

Rachel: "Hey Chris, does this bra make my boobs look like they are from the future?"
Chris: "What the hell does that mean?"
Rachel: "Oh, I dunno, nevermind." (I think I meant like they are pointy and could shoot lasers.

*3 minutes later*

Chris: "Hey Rachel, do these pants make my junk look like an ancient relic?"

I've been seeing this gentleman lately, but it was just loud and clear that our disconnect between expecations was not going to work out in any favorable way. He couldn't commit any time or energy into a real relationship, but we definitely felt more for one another than some silly fling. It was that grey area that I just couldn't seem to handle, so I told him tonight that for now, we have to just be friends. That way I don't feel so happy when he kisses me and then so sad when he doesn't have time for me. I will be happy when I see him around town, and when he can give me the time and energy I want from a real boyfriend, I may be there waiting. Then again, I may not. What makes me still really sad is that I hope I am still there waiting because he's such a great guy.

Boo hoo.

Harry and the Potters

Harry and the Potters are the sweetest band that sings about only one topic. When you think about it though, it isn't really one topic. It's one universe with many themes that all songs around about: love, loss, school, parents, life, death, etc. It doesn't hurt that they are hot and brothers and their story is that "The idea is that the Harry Potter from Year 7 and the Harry Potter from Year 4 started a rock band. And now, no one can stop the wizard rock." And they play venues such as libraries and book fairs. Bless there hearts.



Mostly though, these songs are wicked catchy. I cannot get the one about Felix Felicis out of my head. Check out http://www.eskimolabs.com/hp/ and http://www.myspace.com/harryandthepotters.

Wiktionary

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Lander

lander

1. A person who waits at the mouth of the shaft to receive the kibble of ore

Mortified

I am going to write something in here for 7 days straight to get into a writing habit again. Mark my (written) words!

This is my highly recommended book o' the week:



Mortified takes real diary entries, letters to friends, school essays, etc. from real people and simply publishes them. There is little commentary added in by the authors, except for maybe to let the audiance know how the situation turned out in the end or give some background on the situation. For the most part, they speak for themselves, which I like because they don't really need that lame, condescending adult self pointing out the faults of that loser in junior high. We can read for ourselves what losers they are!

What do they say that makes me laugh so much? Well, the content alone is hilarious. There is priceless Duran Duran fanfiction, a diary addressed to the fat kids one friend, television character Mr. Belvedere, and imaginary sexual experiences that end in peeing. I also love the way junior high kids write. I haven't used the word french kissing (or even thought about how it was once even such a holy concept) and they must use it once per entry (several times if you're a girl). The k.i.t./l.o.l type of slang was not actually invented by the internet, but by bored teenagers in the 80's it seems.

I can't stop referring to it for all my adolescent angst needs, and have already bought a copy for my parents and lent it to Chris. When Chris is done, I will inflict it on others. It is based on a stageshow where people essentially read aloud these diaries, and we are gonna go in LA at the end of the month. Check it out at a town nearest you! I'm sure it'll be great http://www.getmortified.com/

Honestly, when I was home for the holidays, after reading this, I thought about peaking in old diaries and letters I have hanging around various drawers and I honestly couldn't bring myself to do it. Frankly, I thought I would just be too ashamed and embarassed, maybe even a little saddened (and yet I do stand-up, go figure!) I think Alexandra's bunk bed speaks for itself* (please tell me that still exists and hasn't been chopped into firewood) Thus, I give this entire social experiment even more credit because it actually is truly mortifying to read your 13 year old thoughts.

*where in elementary school and into junior high wrote our likes, dislikes, hearts, flowers, boys, tv shows, music, what's HOT, what's NOT on the wooden frame on the bottom of the top bunk

Whenever you (me) don't update for awhile, you (me) always feels the need to write what has been going on. And then it feels like I'm writing some laundry list of events that feel too long past and insignificant to write. So I'm gonna ignore what has happened since I last posted. If it was really exciting, I'm sure I would have written about it or told you.

My discovery of the Melrose Trading Post (flea market every Sunday at my dad's alma mater, Fairfax High School) has led to the purchase of many $10 70s dresses. Now I just need a coat, cardigans, boots and tights to be able to wear them for the next couple of months since the temperature finally dropped a bit. Good thing I have a nice lil hat collection already. Which is good since I'm sure air conditioning (as well as unemployment and laziness) contributes to me and Chris exhorbiant power bill.

I have been really into the Sound of Music lately, due to Gwen Stefani's sampling of The Lonely Goatherd in her new single, "Wind Up" Watch the video on youtube for some of those lovably frightening Harajuku girls.

Of course everyone knows Julie Andrews is a peach and Rogers and Hammerstein are awesome, but no one really recognizes Maria Von Trapp as style icon. I mean, I want this hair. Plus, Christopher Plummer is pretty easy on the eyes as the disciplinarian with the heart of gold father.



Competing for old tymey hair babe these days is Louise Brooks. Ever since I read a review of the silent German film Pandora's Box starring her, I musta read that name everywhere. That same night, deeming my hair too long, I took some dull kitchen shears to my head to attempt a Louise Brooks bob. It wasn't bad; definitely not some of the self-given hair cuts I have given in the past. Though I thought I had quit that obsessive compulsive behavior. It's really hard to pick a picture of her because they are all really stunning.



Now I just need someone (i.e. boys) or somewhere (i.e. a life) to show these off to. Sometimes I think my social life here is getting better, but it might actually be getting worse. How that's possible, I have no idea.

I'm really entertained by reruns of Beauty and the Geek. Now all I need is Rich Girls back and I'm set. Man, it'd be too easy to say something mean about Ally and Jaime here. I'll let the pictures of these bowsers say it all.

It's weird living so close to practically every member in your family. If there is one place where the population of my family reaches its peak, it is in the Los Angeles county area. Today, both my aunt AND great-aunt called me. Whose great-aunt calls them?? Sometimes I would see these people once a year or less. Now I see my parents once a month (but that I actually enjoy, how uncool am I??) They guilt me into eating food even though lunch was like 3 hours ago, but since its Jewish deli with breakfast all day, I'm getting me some french toast or pancakes. Just so you know.

Beverly Hills, 90210 came out on dvd this week. It's been an amazing week. I really never had a crush on Brandon Walsh until right now. He's the everyman: smart, cute, funny, good at sports and journalism. What more could a girl ask for? That's what Andrea Zuckerman thinks, no doubt about it! I still have about half the season left so I'm looking forward to such events such as ***spoiler alert*** David's first-season friend accidentally killing himself with a loaded gun and the girls playing Skeletons in the Closet at a slumber party and making each other cry. Gooooood times!

Remember how I got asked out on one date since I've been in LA by a guy way too old who doesn't speak English and works valet? Well, similar situations have happened twice since. It feels like the eppisode of Undeclared where the appropriately named Rachel was asked out by nerds and fatties who never would have approached her before she gained the freshman 15. Like, just because I eat Ben and Jerrys and donuts 3 days a week to comfort myself when I'm bored and lonely doesn't mean I'm not too good for you, ok! Because I am. Duh. This should be obvious.

Oh, so I am doing Josh Fadem's Acid Reflux Hour on November 26th at 9:30 in the basement of the Ramada Inn on Vermont (between Melrose and Santa Monica). This time, everyone is invited and everyone should come. Get drunk and laugh extra hard, just for me, kthnx!

Soo fuullll, time for pancakes!

The other day I saw an Orthodox Jew riding a bike and talking on his cell phone. How cute is that!?! Only in LA, amiright?

I have like 20+ hour periods lately where I do absolutely nothing and then I work sometimes to pay the bills. It is pretty unsatisfying, but nothing is worse than working 9-5/24/7/365 at hateful job. Plus, I can go to matinees on Tuesdays. Chris was gone for four days so when he comes back it will be better, even though when he's gone I get to sleep in the big bed with the soft blanket and watch tv.

Yesterday, I was sitting around in my underwear drinking diet cokes while watching like my 5th hour of Food Network. I felt like a divorcee when the kids are at dads for the weekend. Just letting myself go but in the most mundane way possible. Right now, they are making castles out of candy. I wish I lived in one of those.

I called a ceasefire on previous crush due to unresponsiveness on his part and feelings of low self-esteem on mine. I transferred crushiness to another. I already feel like giving up on that. People need to like Ilan and I how we want them to. We're cool and cute and smart and funny and awesome. Of course, this goes for many of my friends, but Ilan and I are actually trying here. It's pretty dumb, huh!

I didn't do anything for Halloween, but eat Pink's because there was no line for the first time ever (and they still forgot my friends) and rent a movie and eat ice cream.

Last night's trip to Scoops with Kelson (who, by the way, has been an awesome friends since moving to LA; he's def my numbero 2 rock to count on) came out with Pumpkin Seed Honey ice cream. Or is it gelato? I dunno, but oh boy, was it delicious! <3Scoops<3

Tonight, I am gonna go for the third Sunday in a row to Josh Fadem's Acid Reflux Hour or whatever the actual title is called, only tonight is not sketch or stand-up but some improv. Though I've never considered myself an improv fan, the people there have won 18 improv matches in a row at Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater, so I think it will be good and maybe change my mind a little. I will probably be alone, but I'm hoping to get some social interaction, maybe even a hug, out of it!

No one can say I ain't trying!